"I, Am Writing My Story! This is My Heart"
Last night I cried for the little girl whose parents divorced at age 7, who was molested at 10 years old, whose virginity was taken at 17 and who was physically, mentally and emotionally beaten in her marriage. I didn’t cry because I was sad, but because I had never really let myself grieve for carrying around the illusion that I was okay. These scars were no longer in the archives of my mind. I cried because I no longer felt ashamed of my past and because I was grateful that God will use my test as a testimony to help someone else. In the end, that’s what it’s really all about right?
At the Women’s Conference at my church, Family Christian Center, the beautiful Sarah Jakes Roberts reminded us of the Grace that God gives us. I was reminded of how God kept me when the pain hurt so bad that I couldn’t cry or talk about it. I felt so dirty, ashamed and unloved in my pit of depression back then, but as the memories flooded in last night, I felt free and at peace. I made it. I made it through it all AND some. God loved me so much that He remembered me and kept me through everything even my bitterness, my anger and my stubbornness.
Through the years as I surrendered myself to God, I have experienced healing and I have forgiven those who have hurt me, but I found myself still angry sometimes if something would trigger one of my scars to return back to my memory. I’d feel broken all over again. I felt torn because a part of me felt like I had this great destiny in my life to fulfill, but then the other half of me felt ashamed and felt who would want me, who would even give me a shot based on my past. My scars left scabs of trust issues, low self esteem and pride. I say all of this to say, you don’t go from broken and bitter to better overnight. I’ve had women approach me and say, I can’t wait to get where you are, you look so happy now. Well, I am, but it wasn’t an overnight process like all of a sudden I am delivered and I’ll never feel hurt from my past again. I went through panic attacks, extreme anxiety and depression and the longer I tried to hold this illusion together that I was okay, the more broken I felt. So, I gave up. I quit. I cried out to God and told Him, I can’t handle this, I’m not strong enough to carry this burden anymore I don’t want it. I’m hurt and my heart feels hollow. I’m angry and numb and afraid, but I don’t know what else to do. Then I felt a sense of peace cover me and it felt as if I was being held and I broke. I cried and cried and I gave God everything. I talked to Him about everything that hurt me as if He wasn’t there to witness it, as if He didn’t know already. That’s when I began to heal and let it all go.
And you know that is just the half of it, but back to last night a woman from Africa approached me while I was standing in line waiting to get my book signed and she said she knew me from FaceBook because I shared the Women’s Conference online and that’s how she heard about it. She drove almost an hour and a half to be with us last night. What she proceeded to tell me just lifted my spirit so much. She spoke good things into my life and told me her story and as I listened I just thanked God for yet another confirmation. This whole week God has reminded me through some random people at that of the calling I have on my life and it was reassuring and so comforting. For I believe that everyone and everything has a purpose.
Well all week I had been working up what I’d say to Sarah just in case I had the opportunity to speak to her and once it got close to my turn, I got all choked up. The atmosphere around her was just something that made you feel free and vulnerable. She hugged me ya’ll! You’d think I’d be all star struck, but it was like hugging a sister or from one mom to another type hug and I appreciate her for it. I’m not much of a crier, but last night it was hard to put my thug face on, I mean man!!!
Sarah’s message about not letting your scars write your story and how you aren’t what you’ve been through touched so many hearts last night. She told her story which you’ll find in her book “Lost and Found” and she encouraged us to be fearless and free! Today, I encourage YOU to be FEARLESS and be FREE and if telling my story helps you start your healing process then I am happy to tell it.
Written by: A Child of God and EIC Le'Keshia Smith