Emotional fluidity: Shades of grey


Have you ever been in a situation where your partner had an issue with the connection you had with your friends? Where you showing affection to your friends made them uncomfortable and no matter how much you tried to explain or prove to your partner that nothing was going on, they never found dealing with that connection as easy, and you had no idea what to do and how to deal with it?

I’m starting to realize that the complexities of relationships are what drive a number of people mad. People always seem to enter their joint union with the most understanding manner, but then the moment they’re in it, the dynamics change.

As a partner, I genuinely am starting to believe that telling someone what they can /or cant do does more damage than good. We find it okay to tell our partners who they can or can’t be friends with and who they can or can’t spend their time with but…

I started to wonder, if someone is important to your partner and adds an element of happiness to their life, why would you want your partner to remove them? Do you feel inadequate? Do you feel insecure in your role as their partner? Have we not become accustomed to being so in control that we just choose to ignore that sometimes our partners want to keep certain people in their lives because they add another element of happiness to their lives? An aspect that maybe their partner can’t fill?

“There is a certain territory in monogamous relationships that carry the attitude that another person is your possession.” They are not. They do not belong to you and you do not for certain own them. We have control issues, we want one person to be the one and only source of happiness for our partners, only when we are in a relationship.

Is it wrong to assume that you experience different forms of happiness with different people? And therefore, we don’t always get our happiness from one source.

Fluidity of emotions and situations is something seemingly unfamiliar for most of us. We acknowledge that there should be some form of fluidity but only when the situation is something we are going through. It’s a bit shocking to note that we are so unfamiliar with fluidity that we expect people to react in a manner that we would do if we were in that situation.

We assume that everyone will interpret situations in a manner that is befitting of our own personal emotions, that their reactions aren’t justified if they don’t align with how we feel they should react, more so than theirs and therefore they lack the basic understanding that if something happens, it’s not always about their partner.

I struggled with this for a long time, I believed that giving up certain people for the “benefit” of the relationship was healthy, in the end it wasn’t. I had never felt more alone than when things weren’t okay and the people that I had gotten used to turning to; left.

You don’t need to isolate your partner from people that add other levels of happiness to their life. I’ve learnt that trying to control who a partner keeps in their life adds so much more drama and lying than it does happiness. It also makes them question whether you trust them, which adds a new aspect of doubt, uncertainty and trust issues to it.

Your partner can’t and won’t be your only source of happiness. Emotions are fluid maybe the sooner we accept that, the sooner we’ll stop trying to control other people and their actions.

Maybe emotions aren’t supposed to just be black and white. Maybe they’re meant to remain different shades of grey. Just a thought.

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