Reflections

  reflections (A) | by Camil Tulcan

 

reflections (A) | by Camil Tulcan

 

Hindsight is a funny thing isn’t it? I have always had this recurring question on why clarity only comes to you once you have weathered one of many life storms. The question is, if you knew exactly how a situation would end, would you still make the same decisions?

 

I am currently at a point in my life where the clouds of the latest storm in my life are starting to clear. In the spring of 2012, I got married to who i thought at the time was my life partner and for all the good intentions we had going into it; sadly the marriage came to an end a mere two years later in the Spring of 2014. I never thought that at the age of 28 I would have to be instituting divorce proceedings but that’s where I found myself. My first instinct was to hide, shut my friends and family out. I was embarrassed and sad. I was angry. Angry at the two years spent trying to make our marriage work. The more people around me tried to get a reaction from me, the deeper into my hole i crept. Why did my marriage fail? Was I not good enough? Will I ever find true love? These were the questions I asked myself daily.

 

When we first separated, I told myself that it was an opportunity for me to focus on my career and complete my studies. He wanted to start a family and I wasn’t ready. In hindsight, the core of our problem was finances. For the last year of our marriage my husband was unemployed, leaving me to assume the role of sole breadwinner. This put an incredible strain on our relationship and I found myself feeling embarrassed that my husband did not have a job. We couldn’t travel, we couldn’t buy a home, and we couldn’t even furnish the home we were renting. Despite the pitiful stares from my friends and family, most of them tried to mask how uncomfortable his unemployment made them.

 

It’s been a year since our separation and the divorce proceedings are in its final stages. This year, I have taken time out to reflect on the choices I made leading up to and during my marriage. For all the heartache I endured during that time, so much good has come from it. I landed my dream job, reconnected with close friends and I’m completing my degree this year. It’s been a rough road. One filled with tears, disappointment and regret. So back to my initial question. Yes, I would do it all again. I am stronger than I believed possible. I am able to stand on my own and watch my dreams come true. As for love...all in due time I guess. All that matters is learning to love and trust myself.

 

And that’s the beauty of hindsight.

 

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