She falls into an introspective state whenever she would think about your journey together, to the nothingness that exists between both of you now.
Her mindset is one of confusion. How could they have it all and somehow not keep it together? They failed. They failed each other, and failed their love, and somehow find themselves living in a state of regret. They couldn’t make it work, but when they’d walked away from each other and spent time apart and he returned to try fix it, she found herself scared at the risk of saying no to them, again. She doesn’t think you completely understood the amount of pain she went through after the loss of “them”, and more so, the loss of herself. She’d gotten so used to it being “them against the world” that in the process of trying to make it work, she almost completely lost the essence of her.
“When you look back on your life? Do you notice a change in who you are? Do you notice a difference in the manner that you carry yourself? Have you experiences changed your views on things? Or are you stuck in a habitual pattern that you refuse to free yourself from?”; these are the questions that often wander through her mind.
Introspection’s are so necessary in helping her come to terms with everything that went sour between them. It’s like she was so in love with you that she refused to acknowledge everything that everybody else was able to see, and maybe that’s why she’s now so cautious about the people she allows into her life now. She was trapped and for the longest time, the wars of words exchanged – the belittling of her, her achievements, her work – lead to their breakdown.
She hadn’t realised it at that moment, but she see’s it now. We were so perfect together in the beginning, but somewhere along the way they forgot about the very foundation that kept them solid for all those years. It became too hard to hear him tell her about how she was wearing make up for the attention of other guys, or that the shorts she wore were too short, the many nights when he told her that he didn’t understand why the things she was doing were bigger than her, and why she needed to spend time with her family and friends.
It got to a point where even lunch with her girls was something she would avoid because having to constantly text her while she was with them took so much from that time together. She was there, but never really there anymore. They became so toxic so quickly and when they started yelling at each other, she was more terrified than she knew. Them? Him & Her? She knew it was coming but she couldn’t let the idea of them go, even though she knew this breakdown in communication was close to the end of them as a couple.
Remember how you used to make her feel bad for giving her studies so much attention? She could never understand that, because she thought that the person she was with would always support her even though he didn’t understand it. Turns out, her drive and passion was part of the reason for our end. She’s only now understanding that a man who feels that a woman who is levels higher than he is, will continue to belittle that woman in a manner that makes it seem like constructive criticism. The things he said, they still play over in her head, she had days where she felt like she was worthless because that’s how you made her feel. She’s had days where she cried because every time someone complimented her, she would think of your “why are you taking that compliment” tone and the constant arguments that lead to her crying herself to sleep.
She used to think that his criticism was his way of looking out for her, but it wasn’t, it was him, using his insecurities to steal the joy from anything that she loved. It wasn’t him exerting his manliness, it was him forcing his insecurities down her esophagus and trying to cut off the air that went into her lungs. Now more than ever she finds herself sensitive to the words that comes from the mouths of loved ones. She finds herself having intense moments of self-doubt, and she cries, she for the intense loss she experienced in the last year and she knows to you, that means nothing. To you, since you’re apart, everything is great; but it’s not for her. She still struggles to deal with mind games, she still struggles with the hot and cold emotions that people want to give her and she’s more wary of who she lets into her head and heart.
She says that one great thing came from all of this, she walked away from something familiar – the on again & off again games they played, the mind games that he played that made communication with him a nightmare; the hot and cold emotions that had her mind overthinking them and how they were. She’s glad she walked away from you, from the toxic struggle that became them, but that was merely half the battle. A year later and your poisonous words echo themselves repeatedly in her mind. I guess this is what they meant by she’s experiencing psychological warfare.
I guess what I learnt from her is that the saying is true, comfort will contaminate your ability to see reason sometimes, and sometimes the tears you cry are bits of your soul slowly dying.
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