My pain, His purpose
There is a part of every human being that is fearful of falling for someone once they’ve been hurt. A wide range of people have become so good at masking pain once experienced that the assumption is that they must be extremely strong to be able to bounce back quickly. If there is one thing I have learnt about people it’s that when they’re fearful of history repeating itself, they tend to approach situations cautiously.
I met you at a point in my life when I’d just started to understand how much hurt had affected the way in which I related to people. I met you at a phase when I was left hurt and devastated by so many people close to me that I had to learn how to bounce back without the emotional knock taking overt life. It’s a lesson that requires patience daily that makes how you deal with yourself and other people a process.
I wasn’t ready for you. At no given point did I ever think anything would happen between us. At no given point did I find myself overthinking anything or being someone else just to try and impress you. I never found myself protecting myself from you, and building walls mounted with electric wiring all around them. I never found myself questioning why we clicked or why it was so easy for me to get lost in thoughts of what we’d spoken about.
You triggered something in me that I thought had died, and I suppose that’s where the fear now stems from. I don’t know what we’re doing and I know now that nothing with us is as complex as how my mind has made it out to be. I’m not scared of you, I’m scared of having no control of the feelings I have for you, because with you its easy, and it’s easy because we’re just going with it.
I find myself a tad bit frustrated with not being able to see you, but at the same time I find myself justifying how that is normal for two people with schedules like ours, that however doesn’t mean I don’t miss you, miss your energy or being in your company.
I don’t want to put energy into something that’s going to require me to put bars up outside my window. I’m fearful because life always seems to remind me that no matter how good something is, it will always get taken from you sooner or later.
So I wanted to let you know now where my head is. What my heart fears and what words I prevent from escaping my lips.
I like you. God knows I do. I find myself wanting to be a better version for Him, for myself and lastly for you. I find myself on a more spiritual journey, something more fulfilling and less toxic than the type of life I lived before you. I find myself finding joy in the smallest things and smiling more now than I did before I knew you. I find myself not feeling like I’m less than – less than He deserves of me, less than I deserve of me and less than you deserve of me. I find myself falling in love with my flaws and appreciating every positive soul in my life more now than before. I find myself embracing openness and thoughtfulness more now than I did before, and even though some of my pages look empty they are filled with an invisible ink that only shines when I’m in your presence. There are chapters that I would never let the rest of the world read because the judgment I endured was harsher than I thought I could handle, but I did, handle it, even if some moments weren’t handled with grace as everyone expected me to. I find myself in your presence feeling stronger mentally, emotionally and spiritually and having a sense of calmness that I’ve never felt before. I find myself getting excited at the possibility of spending time with you and I suppose it was at that moment when I started to realize how your patience had slowly started breaking down the boundaries I’d set up.
It’s true what they say, a woman will deal with so many boys that when she starts dealing with a man of God that she finds herself not knowing how to handle it. I’m slowly learning how to vocalize my thoughts to you. I’m slowly learning how to let you into my crazy headspace and into my heart without holding onto the belief that you’re going to hurt me.
So forgive me, forgive me for being so fearful of letting you in because I subconsciously compared you to them. Forgive me for being so fearful of your kindness, forgive me for the boundaries I have up, forgive me forever struggling to open up to you. Forgive me for walking into this being so weary of the company that comes with it. None of it was intentional, I suppose I’ve had to protect myself for so long that knowing that I don’t have to be perfect is so freeing.
I don’t know what God’s plan with this is, I don’t know what he has in store for us, what I do know is that for the first time in my life, I have no issues trusting Him with His plan for me.
And for the second time in my life, I finally understand what it’s like to walk alongside a king, without worries of his boyish side looming over.
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