You can’t bully me into giving up on myself. My @TenstoriesZA story.
I’ve encountered every kind of bullying, I’ve dealt with depression for so long that happiness is a foreign concept to me at times, I’ve experienced pains I thought would be the reason I took my own life, and cut myself so deeply that blood dripping down my wrist was the only way I knew how to drag some sort of emotion out of my body.
I’ve encountered my deepest darkest thoughts, and come too close to the edge of self destruction so often that even now I have to question if I’m strong enough to face my own demons. I am. I’ve grown so much in the last couple of years that I don’t even know how I make it through half the things that life throws my way.
I guess life has a funny way of teaching you how to deal with yourself, how to treat others and what is worth your time and energy and what isn’t. I’ve faced myself so many times in the mirror and questioned why every breath I take is important.
My journey for self-love has been nothing but easy. It’s been a challenge, one I genuinely believed I couldn’t handle, but the older I get the more I learn the importance of support. From family, friends and colleagues. I wish I had the manual to life, the manual to how situations end but I don’t. I wish I always believed that everything would always work out for the best – but even on days where life is throwing every sort of curveball my way – I tend to doubt myself.
Someone once told me that I don’t take the time to deal with and embrace the good things happening in my mind, it caused me to do some introspecting.
Dealing with emptiness for so long and just trying to survive in a world that is hell bent on reminding you how miniscule you are in the grander scheme of things are difficult. I developed habits that taught me how to fake the happiness for most of my high school career and even now, as an adult I tend to keep it moving because I don’t want to fall back into the deep dark pit that emptiness had over me.
There have been many that have said I inspire them, that was never my intention. I was just learning to survive in a world that taught me how to hate myself, but I’m glad that the expression of my pain helped you find the strength to handle your own situations.
I am far from perfect, but I am more in tune with my imperfections than I have ever been, and that is why, even though your words may hurt me for a bit, they will never destroy me.
Your life decisions influence the things that you do, how you do certain things and the energies that you allow into your personal capacity. The energies that you allow into your space will either help you grow or contribute to destroying you. I’ve lost a lot, more so than I thought I would, but I’m a month away from 27 and I finally realize just how much more I’ve gained from that loss.
I am now finally starting to understand what true happiness is, contentment is fast becoming a constant in my life. And I couldn’t be more grateful for that.
You can follow my personal blog: www.mzlovelee.com