Adapt or Die

Relationships are so much work and maintaining a happy, healthy, functional one is an even greater task but in my mind, I think that once you really get to know one another and the necessary compromises are made, it should get a whole lot easier. I also think many relationships do not make it over the bridge because determining what your partner needs to change is often easier than identifying our own qualities that need to get the boot in order to make it work. The crossover is what gets us; the reality that we are trying to bring together two different worlds. This is when the iceberg appears in a distance and we either amend the course of our journey or risk getting sunk.


Love is such an abstract concept that I think was intended to make things simpler but has done the opposite. I always asked God for a man whom I would fall in love with and not have to learn to love. I thought that if the love came naturally, that if the chemistry was palpable and we were drawn to each other, it would make everything else fall into place. Yes, I’m still trying to unlearn everything Disney taught me.


The truth is, I should have been more worried about falling in love with a man I was incompatible with, I should have asked God to steer me away from a man I would love but not be able to live with. Couples tend to think that only abuse and cheating could cause the collapse of their relationship, we negate to consider something as obvious and opposing views, ideals and opinions.


By no stretch of the imagination am I saying we should be with people who think like us or share our opinions on every matter but ladies imagine being with a rape apologist? And my brother, imagine being with a woman who cannot commit herself to you alone. You see, we all have ‘hard limits’, deal breakers, things that add to who we are, who we intend to be and thus will not change. Do we share these hard limits with our partners at the very beginning of our relationships or do we float in the love-cushioned bubble until our partners brush up on a deal breaker and we start losing our shit? The latter right? Yeah, me too.


The allure of companionship makes us ignore what we don’t like and focus on what we do. But just how long will my amazing personality and enthralling smile keep you dazed when I do not treat you the way your mom did all the years of your life? We are products of our upbringing; from the how we interact with others to how we expect to be treated and because of this, a lot more honest conversations need to take place.


I’m learning that ‘happily ever afters’ are recreated daily, that you cannot build a relationship devoid of common understandings, constant compromise and a shared vision for the relationship. Relationships require us to be open to rethink things, amending somethings and throwing other things out the window, why? Because it’s not just about you anymore.


“I want someone who will love me as I am” – someone who’s not willing to compromise or grow.


Relationships become easier with understanding and shared growth. I fret about compatibility but I believe that’s where love is supposed to come in and convince you two to work it out.


I don’t have it all figured out, I’m learning as I go but one thing is for certain, if you choose to stay the same, you choose to oppose the success of your relationship. If we ought to make it work, we ought ‘adapt or die’.


You can follow me on twitter: @Phemii_S

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