My first love

Have you ever just sat and lost yourself in your thoughts, and stumbled onto someone you’d hoped your heart had forgotten about? Have you ever tried burying someone so deep in your mind that every time they made their way into your conscious mind, your body shook? Have you ever loved someone so much, that anything that happens to them, affects you just as much?


I have. And I tried for the longest time to deny something I guess I always knew. I was in love with a boy I believed I couldn’t have. I was 18, when I first fell in love with him. I was young, naïve, and not too certain of myself. Yet, if anybody asked me about him, I was certain that this was the guy for me. The guy I wanted to build a life with.


He came to my house to come and see someone else, and left such an unforgettable imprint on my heart. But the way life is designed, you never really know what curveballs are going to come your way, so imagine how it felt being so certain about something, then having to deal with it coming to an end.


I was 18 when I fell in love with him, and I never really got over him. I suppressed the memories we’d made and put myself at a disadvantage by trying to force myself to forget him. We never really spoke about how we felt about each other way back when, we just knew that whatever was happening between us, caught us both off guard. It wasn’t planned, we weren’t prepared for it but it was perfect in every sense of the word. Nobody plans on falling in love, never mind falling in love at 18 because that’s really when your adult life starts. But when you meet someone who captures your heart in the way that he caught mine, you never get over it.


We dated, but a few months, and I’m only now starting to realize how intense what we had back then was because I never really got over how he loved me and then hurt me, and every time he kept coming back trying to fix it, my heart just couldn’t allow the walls to collapse so he could get through to me. So I did what most women do, I hurt him too – the words that slipped from my tongue cut deeper than a knife.


It’s been 10 years since that boy broke my heart, and ironically, I love this man now more than I loved the boy I was with back then.


What I learnt from heart-break, is that sometimes, we are the only ones stopping ourselves from allowing love into our lives. We build walls so high to protect us from getting hurt, that we forget that those same walls can stop love from coming in if we aren’t aware. I had to break the heart of an incredible guy to be with this man, I had to walk away from a man ready to make me his wife, for a guy I wasn’t even 100% certain about, but the heart wants what it wants and sometimes, you have to take that leap of faith by following your heart. I did and you know what? It’s been the best decision I’ve ever made.


See, this love thing is so complex, emotions are complex and fluid but sometimes, other people’s stories come across as far-fetched simply because we haven’t seen anyone experience it or experienced it ourselves. One thing I know is that when you love someone with every fiber of your being; you never really get over them.


To the man I love, you are the most incredible human being. You turned out to be the kind of man my Dad told me you would become. I am at my happiest when I’m with you. You inject life into my soul with every single kiss. I am so taken aback by how my heart fills up with joy every time you look at me. Things like holding your hand are a need. Seeing you smile makes me forget about all the toxic situations happening in the world and even arguing with you then being alright, lets me know that what I felt at 18 wasn’t a figment of my imagination, it was real.


There are people who get over their first love, I never got over mine, and I thank God every single day that I didn’t.


You can follow me on twitter: @MzLee_

Lerato MannyaComment