Letter from the Editor : Spiritual Inventory

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I recently sat and took inventory of my life. I wrote how I was feeling at the time and then I set out to figure out why. The one thing that stood out was that I felt taken advantage of in many areas of my life and I couldn’t understand why. I did some introspection and realized that the problem was not with those in my life. The problem was with me. I lacked boundaries and consequences for those who crossed what few boundaries I had in place.

This meant that I was the sister who was called when money was needed with no check-ins in between. I was the friend who could be called last minute because another friend cancelled and they needed company. I was the friend who tried to fix things after an argument. I was the friend whose brunch date got cancelled without notice, yet I was understanding. I was the girlfriend that tried to be understanding of the fact that he had goals to achieve so he was always ‘busy’!  Then one day I had no more to give.

 

I simply had an epiphany! I was my own problem and I took a giant step back to focus on myself. I lost friends and I lost family. I was no longer willing to live life without an my return on my investment. I accepted that as spiritual as I am, I also have a desire to be loved and cared for. I also desire to have my time valued, my effort noticed. My struggles understood.

I realized. I needed to love myself because life had proven that giving energy to the wrong people could help me lose the right ones. That was the day I decided to chase my happiness, come what may.

See I had taught those around me that I don’t matter. I allowed them to stay in their comfort zone while I pushed myself beyond mine. That worked for my good as it made me see I have the ability to grow in all circumstances. But to those around me it appeared as though I’d grown beyond them. I was changing and I gave no notice. I was understanding of that fact and so I gave everyone time to adjust In whatever way they saw fit. Truth is I needed to have compassion for them in that moment, but I was determined to end that cycle.

I was determined to begin a cycle of owning my destiny and self worth. It was now time to temper my energy and give allowance to the presence of God in my life. I finally realize that because God is in me, all of me matters. My time, energy, Love, devotion, tears, flaws. Everything matters! There was no more living between my hat and my shoes. There would only be me, being the woman that I was born to be.

 

Nicole McKenzie

 

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