Mourning While Growing
*Turns on Jay-Z "Smile"*
Nobody ever tells you that while you're doing all you can to heal mentally, physically & spiritually that you'll mourn a loss at some point. The loss of something or some one you loved immensely is so...hard. Recently, I've been on a journey to healing after 2 failed, committed relationships with people I cared about. I had to distance myself from the both of them completely before I felt safe enough to allow them even remotely in my atmosphere. I had actually been putting in the work to heal properly. Everything from positive affirmations during the day, writing love notes to myself in the bathroom, talking to God more & out loud. I also took to changing my morning routine before the day would get started, that has totally changed the course of a lot of days.
In the time that I've been making subtle changes, I lost a dear friend of mine in St. Louis, Missouri. He was only 40 years old. He left five children, a mother, siblings, & a host of friends who loved him, including me. He was the driving force behind me digging deeper & finding multiple avenues to get my writing out to the world. *Tears*
He was the first person to tell me I had potential to be one of the best writers. He would listen to my stories & tell me to write them down. When I got the news from his mom of his passing, I was shocked. I literally just texted him hours earlier to see how he was doing, not knowing he was no longer in the earth realm.
The last time we talked, we laughed. We told each other the craziest things. He was still flirting with me as he always did and being halfway serious about trying to have a son with me since he always said "You got boys in you. You're going to be the sweetest, coolest boy mom. I'm just hoping I'm the one to give you a son."---He would always laugh & I would always roll my eyes.
Who knew that literally was the last conversation we would ever have. I know he's getting his must needed rest. This world had worn him ragged. I knew he was tired. Nobody ever tells you how hard it is to grieve while you're growing.
Topher, I hope I make you proud with every article & every other piece of art I create.
"Even if I'm not with you here today, smile..."-Jay-Z
Peace, Everlasting love, & Growth